CW Challenge : Day 18

SELF PORTRAIT

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you must be willing to see things as they are, rather than as we hope, wish or expect them to be.

i am racing towards the marker of my thirty-second year. i’m trying to be convinced that it no longer matters. it probably doesn’t. i am a wife of ten years. i drive a five-speed, with the top down whenever i can. i am not as blonde as i once was.

i am pierced ten times over and tattooed a bit as well. i would have many more, but the ink expressions are not loved by my husband, and compromises must be made.

as my three babes join the other babes, growing too fast, and venture to school, i too, will return this fall. learning, to me, is more meaningful later, when you know more about the world and you know more about yourself.

i am a letter writer without a pen pal.

i am a reader without the self control to stop when i should. if you don’t have me by the first chapter though, you’ve likely lost me for good. i am convinced, that’s why i’m told my book suggestions are excellent.

if i were a painting, the background would be orderly and conflicted. there would be pain in the piece. i would hang on the wall, apart from the rest and give very little away. open for your interpretation and unable to respond in any way that would be effective. because it wouldn’t matter.

i don’t moisturize, but i sleep with clean skin. i don’t drink enough water. definitely enough chocolate milk though.

i make promises to myself on saturday that are broken by monday.

i brush my teeth in the shower. that’s because i started to gag when i was pregnant with my first little person. the habit stuck. about habits – i don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, i do bite my nails. i can’t stop.

i have blue eyes and i like my name. september is my favourite month and not because i was born in it.

i become emotionally invested in fictional characters.  i am loyal, but lazy. i am a low-maintenance friend who doesn’t need to be surrounded by others. the general public frightens and frustrates me.

i am a problem solver and creative thinker. i enjoy my job and am grateful for that. i am smart. i do not run from conflict but no longer live for the fight. i am an active scholar of radical acceptance.

i have struggled with sadness. i do not ask for help well (or ever).

i am a parentless child, both by choice and by circumstance. I am an aunt with four nieces and three nephews who i adore from away. i am a big sister who doesn’t understand, who wonders from afar and sends good thoughts into the universe. i am a friend who doesn’t call but is here, for anything, at any time.

i judge rarely and without harshness. i forgive easily.

i wish the passage of time made things better. but, the passage of time just makes things, things.

i worry. too much. about things that don’t matter. about things that do matter but i can’t, or don’t want to change. i worry about doing enough, knowing enough, being enough. i become distracted in my worrying, in my wondering, in my planning. planning for things that may or may not be. wondering about things that are firmly and forever, out of my hands.

i am broken-hearted but here. healing every day. making efforts to connect, to be present and to persevere.

i know more of myself today than i did ten years ago, and will know more ten years from now. and i realize that it’s ok. it’s all ok. it will be ok. and between the time when it’s not to when it is, there is life to be lived and things to be loved and people to share the moments with.

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Here’s more on the Creative Writing Challenge

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